A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
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Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping