Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
I wish “it’s the thought that counts” worked for housework.
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boys love girls who go barefoot in the summer and comment on the texture of grass and say “ouch rocks” when walking on rocks
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
St. Peter: Welcome to Heaven
Me: Wow! An open bar!
St. Peter: You have to be dead 21 years to drink
Me: *slips him a fake ID*
St. Peter: Enjoy yourself Mr. Grunge Music
*During traffic stop
Cop: “My partner is indicating to me that you might be in possession of drugs.”
Me (pointing down): “You mean him?”
C: “Yes, him!”
M: “So your dog talks to you, and I’m the one who’s high?”
C: *Stun guns me*
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*