I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
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Modded the new Gran Turismo
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
This is my emotional support knife.
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze