Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When a shoelace touches your ankle

Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there

[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahaha

Colonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?

Me: Yeah why?

Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now

I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.

No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this

Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.

His answer was white. With a question mark.

someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”

“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”

“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”

“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”

“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”

Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.

Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”

Don’t leave me hanging, Larry

The composer Erik Satie once spent a week in jail for sending insulting postcards to a journalist who gave him a bad review. One read ‘I shit on you with all my force’.

Them: what book would you take to a deserted island?
Me: idk, “the idiots guide to survival”

Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*

Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.

a group of ocelots is called an awfelot

Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.

One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police

MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit

I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.

She’s such an idiot.

When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.

Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.

Worth a try

I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course

I’m basically only good at three things:

1. Programming
2. Counting

I’m not sad, I’m big moaned

“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”

whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.

I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.

Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…

1. I don’t have a swimming pool.

2. I don’t have a girlfriend.

Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”