Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes

I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.

I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids

Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.

[sheriff’s office]

me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition

deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records

me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now

This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.

Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.

Sharks 🦈 waiting on there food delivery 😂

My favorite and only semi sane coworker just put in her two week notice this is more traumatic than my divorce

Her: I love it when we finish each other’s

Him: pancakes

when a toddler tells a story

Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!

Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.

whoever named the meatball absolutely nailed it

Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:

-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma

Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.

#CatsOnTwitter

I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.

Your honor, may I approach the bench?

Judge: You may

*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*

The defense rests

There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.

I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me

My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.

Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets

*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!

I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.

if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine

I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.

Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.

Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.

*drops pizza slice on the floor

Hey can I get another slice?

*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice