Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.

– Bear suicide note.

Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.

I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue

Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.

But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?

me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins

Me: I’ve got distressed genes.

Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.

M: Have you met my family?

Me: I wish my toilet was sentient

Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three

You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible

Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.

Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?

Me: No

[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]

Me: But I used to be an embryo

FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.

Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅

“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”

A letter home from Burning Man:

“My Dearest Martha:

I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”

Me: My heart is full.

Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.

I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem

Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself

Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”

There are two kinds of people.

Try not to be either one of them.

I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.

I spilled the beans.

She asked to see where the magic happens, so I showed her my toasted sandwich maker

I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe

You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.

Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]

Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling

#mondaymirth

The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.

The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.

This is a true ally.

My wife is talking about the seriousness of hazardous waste and I’m eating ham (that I hid in a tricky corner of a fitted sheet while pretending to fold it) and wow it’s crazy, right?!
*slowly chews the ham*

Them: your pets are spoiled

Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide

My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.