I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
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i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
[eats all your cotton candy]
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
This isn’t going to end well for you.
– me, alone in the house, to the loaf of banana bread on the counter
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
