I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
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Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
If I was a bartender, anytime someone asked for a drink I would say “Why don’t you take a pitcher, it’ll last longer.”
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
choose your fighter
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
Is….Is this an option?
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
Xylophonist Shredding It
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
I googled my symptoms and it turns out I just need this election to be over.
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.