Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that

she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”

Interviewer: describe yourself

Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person

In search of a lawyer who handles the most heinous of crimes. My 4yo woke me up at 5:30 this morning by sneezing in my face and then hopped away like a bunny.

I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad

Her: come on over

Me: can’t. I’m sitting here pondering the meaning of the universe

Her: but I’m alone

Me: aren’t we all

Breaking news:

This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo

I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.

To anyone who heard me yelling, know that I nicely asked my children 7x to get in their car seats, and they did everything but get in their seats.

[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!

Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.

Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.

Him: A nap? Really?

Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.

Him:

Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.

Him: Guess they like pizza, too.

Me: What do you have against wolves?

mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside

Is Dutch some sort of clown language

Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.

Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.

When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.

[interview]

“Any special talents?”

I can unlock any fingerprint reader

“By hacking?”

[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes

[First day as an undercover cop]

Drug Dealer: You got the money?

Me: … *into cufflink* Line?

It’s either five or nothing bro

– if wet wipes could talk

December 2023 our house was burgled and the children’s Christmas presents were stolen. Burglar was caught on our Ring doorbell and I happened to know where he lived. Instead of calling the cops, I burgled the Christmas presents back from him.

Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year

BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?

CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard

OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7

CEO: first of all, promoted

Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you

Professor: most of you won’t pass this course

Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job

Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!

M: oh nonsense!

W: ok, did you get the cat food?

M: WE HAVE A CAT??

I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.

I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.