Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

These 3D printers are insane!

You: What happened to your hand?

Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.

if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free

ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing

Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.

Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.

Boss: But we’re not serving food.

Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.

I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.

my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’

Just randomly thinking about the guy I dated that broke up with me because I used a chicken tender like a spoon to eat mashed potatoes

[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family

CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?

CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!

CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!

You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.

KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk

ME: but this tree is so tiny

How I flirt with my husband:

I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk

3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.

washing hands before coronavirus:

– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off water

washing hands after coronavirus:

– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one

This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it

i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name

[watching Joker]

Joker: ha-

me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now

Joker: -ha

Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ

why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth

Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.

I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience

Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.

Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!

Me: *changes the WiFi password*

Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.

Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable

BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip

I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.

YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.

I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it

the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up

[at a restaurant]

SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.

ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.