Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: hi

Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking

[house party]

ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?

HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?

ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?

Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times

Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?

Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.

After kids: My mind is a steel colander.

I see a badly-tied bin liner.

At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.

Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day

People at Costco really need to be less sensitive

gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?

scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one

gen z: what

scientist: what

My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.

My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…

Send help!

the lamestream media wants you to call them “pigeons”. but CRIME BIRDS are terrorizing our cities: stealing wifi, causing sunspots, downloading cars

wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel

I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.

MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?

ME: yes

MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?

ME: yes

MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?

ME: yes

MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?

ME: yes

Pro tip for Zoom court: ZOOM COURT IS REAL COURT

–Always be fully clothed
–Do not be in or on the toilet
–Do not Zoom in from the shower
–Do not Zoom in from the bed–especially if unclothed
–Don’t wear any hats/caps/bonnets
–Don’t make a full on omelet like that one lady

My kids are smart but sometimes they say dumb stuff like, “Mom why do you always buy the candy pack with Snickers when you’re the only one who likes them?”

[traffic court]

Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets

JUDGE: Repeat infractions?

Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets

Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.

The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.

Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time

Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.

SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.

Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice

SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird

TWO hops this time?

In this economy?

*arriving home as my house burns down*

Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.

Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.

Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.

Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….