Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again

*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*

ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?

could’ve been anyone

I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.

The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.

First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos

Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack

Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me

Shampoo companies need to be clearer when they say “repairs damage”

I cancelled my therapist appointments for nothing

7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!

4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!

what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?

“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”

– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.

If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.

[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell

Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar

I can understand why chickens wake up and scream

Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.

*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*

Time to seize the day.

I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.

Him: What’s in the oven?

Me: Freud chicken.

Him: You mean fried.

Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!

My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.

She’s eleven.

I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.

Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?

Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.

Rose: Nice.

Grill: You could have looked around a bit.

I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box

I like when people name their kids after the state they were conceived in. Might do the same and name my next kid Crippling Anxiety

Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?

Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.

Waiter: Rare it is.

Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.

Fun Fact

The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!

GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually

According to my fitness app, I ate 5 miles of Chicken Parm

When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”