Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Survival Tip:

If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.

*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*

me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.

I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.

[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy

Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.

Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears

Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer

Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.

“Dad, what’s a coworker?”

“Someone you block on social media.”

ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.

Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices

Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late

My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.

Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?

A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”

I could have died and those would have been my last words

making sure he doesnt get away

The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.

I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.

I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.

But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?

– For this evening’s dessert, Hercule Poirot will drone on and on about something until you emit a loud shriek.
– Ooh, Belgian waffles and I scream!

What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?

My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume

*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope

I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.

My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”

I’m suddenly having trust issues.

“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”

My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.

Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?

Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down