Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.

Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.

Grant me the supernatural ability to change the things I cannot accept.

To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.

My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day

My aunts (who are twins) were gonna have a joint 60th bday party, but they got into a fight. Now they’re doing two separate parties on the same day and they’re asking everyone to choose 😩

I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.

When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.

Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?

Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all

Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house

Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.

Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one

I met a married woman today, she’s been married for 45 years . I asked her what’s the secret – how did they do it?

She said they the secret is that her and husband never wanted a divorce at the same time

my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”

i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool

St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously

Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses

My dog: she’s my support person

[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows

I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.

I like to test the waters by pushing people in.

doctor: you have no heart

me: okay wow that’s rude

doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive

demon living inside me: *to me* don’t

me: there’s a demon living inside me

demon: ugh

[psych ward]

me: this is nice they have jell-o

demon: ooo is it cherry

Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.

ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets

ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions

CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not

ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her

The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.

Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.

Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.

You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!

Canadian Oneupmanship

I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.

Seeing your own mental illnesses in your parents is wild. I’m like… could you have passed down good genes and a house already paid for instead

wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding

Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool

How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.