I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
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15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
Me (at a tournament): I win!
*throws ball into the crowd*Manager of bowling alley: Okay, that’s not right.
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
I wonder if new batteries in my milk frother feels to my coffee and creamer what a fully charged vibra… you know what, never mind.
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
*chomping on a cookie*
Girl Scouts can’t run very fast
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out