I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
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[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
I met with a well-dressed group today at work. They all wore a black and white suits and dresses. For some reason, I chose a bright yellow shirt & a chunky red necklace today. We took a picture and the effect was very casual Friday Ronald McDonald hanging with formal Hamburglers
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you