I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
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Apartments show you 44 pics of the lobby b**ch I ain’t living in there
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
Just rolled a joint. Not to get high or anything. It was just my ankle
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
When the blood pressure machine comes out for one person the whole family has to get involved
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft