I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
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me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
We don’t deserve birds.
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
Me: You want me to wear a rubber?
Her: ideally, you’ll wear two for extra protection.
Me: But I like to be able to feel the dishes as I wash them
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
<—- homeless romantic
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!