Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Needing to stretch is so funny. Your body is like “ughhhh make me longer!”

Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?

Bowling Ball:

It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.

My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.

I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.

Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!

It’s like she didn’t want a tip.

I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.

One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.

Bartender: What’ll It be?

Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.

When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done

I’ve disappointed better people.

Me starting a diet:

7am: Egg white veggie omelet

9am: One cookie instead of two

WAP on, WAP off

-Cardi Biyagi

Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning

My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.

*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*

doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week

me: the what

doc: the cabbage

me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??

doc:

i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)

the doc howled with laughter lmaooo

DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*

Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)

It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.

My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.

Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.

I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.

*uses Ouija board*

ＮＥＷ ＰＨＯＮＥ ＷＨＯ ＤＩＳ

crying at my desk while also finding time to cry in the shower makes for a healthy work-life balance

ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.

SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?

ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?

SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.

ME: *nervously* Oh

*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*

Friend: oh my god there’s two of you

My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear

Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right

Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.

ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.

God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens

Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.