i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
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I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
That’s fair
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
#SailorMoon ain’t got nothing on…
When I bought a new carpet my dog become a shark
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.