i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
You Might Also Like
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
