I wish more places gave out stickers like the ones you get for voting. “I got a colonoscopy!” “I got a mammogram!” “I got a pap smear!” “I got a prostate exam!”
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85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
It’s October 8th and we’ve already purchased Halloween costumes for both kids. If they actually end up wearing them, I’m giving each of you a king size snickers.
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
yeah that 16 month gap in my resume is the time i spent in the woods in new hampshire where eventually god revealed to me that my purpose in life is to be a wealth manager here at wells fargo 🙂
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby