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Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
A general rule of parenting: If you’re having a great day, a 4yo will be along shortly to vomit all over you.
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
Most intimate spam text i’ve ever received
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
こいつ天才
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
no such thing as a dumb question
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold