Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies

My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.

HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”

Me: They were donut holes

HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”

Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?

HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing

Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.

married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me

COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?

ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?

COP: I’m listening

I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.

At least it tasted like a taco salad.

“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.

“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney

“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done

Big scare this afternoon. Was asked to identify a body at the Coroner’s Office after an accident involving the rotors of a helicopter. As you can imagine, I was so relieved it wasn’t Bob from ground crew. Bob had a head

Him: What dat mouth do?

Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.

All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.

“Want me to tell you how to murder someone and get away with it?”

—my 9yo, making conversation at lunch. At a restaurant. In public.

I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.

Wife: You’re lost.

Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.

Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer

Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]

*Falls off ladder*

Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?

Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.

No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.

“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”

*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”

“sir…that’s a parrot”

You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.

Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.

Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.

Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.

Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.

I was 12.

Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.

WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?

ME: If I had a time machine, I’d go back and tell the Vikings that ‘MmmBop’ was a war cry.

HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’

Me: dance like no one’s watching!

Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!

Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes

The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will be complete