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I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
Why can’t opportunity just leave itself on my doorstep and send me a photo
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
A big FUCK YOU to people driving small cars and pulling deep into parking spaces so I think I have a spot until the last second.
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far