I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
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Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
2024 has been a rough few years
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
I have an actual woodpecker in my backyard and now I can see why these guys had so many problems with Woody. I wouldn’t throw a grenade at him or anything but I might if I had one
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
Man. Just strolled through a shampoo aisle. Whatever parabens did it must’ve been pretty f****d up.
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”