I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
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When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
7 year old: two of the boys at school were executed for fighting
me: you mean ‘expelled’?
7 year old: I’m pretty sure about this one, dad
No one judges you harder than a dental receptionist when you don’t know if you’ll be free at 2pm on a random Tuesday, in six months time.
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
