I wish my 3yo ate dinner as well as he eats toothpaste
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My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.