I wish my 3yo ate dinner as well as he eats toothpaste
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Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
superman landing like a plane on his belly
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
I look after plant pots and hanging baskets for celebrities, which means I tend to shrub holders with the rich and famous.
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time