Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear Neighbours,

“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.

Women are from Venus, men are wrong.

Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.

Mars has enough problems already.

“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests

Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.

They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.

I have to work tomorrow.

Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.

I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.

I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?

The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.

Me: *Spitting out teeth*

Her: Omg what happened?

Me: I ate too many of them

Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.

All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘

Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.

[Baby shower]

Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.

Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad

At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?

It’s not 13.

I’d hang this in my house.

One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.

Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.

I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.

It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”

After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed

[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at midday

chicken: gotcha

I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.

When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.

A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast