I wish my 3yo ate dinner as well as he eats toothpaste
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School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
middle school in the ’90s
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds