I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
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My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
Excerpt from my fantasy novel. Reminder to editors: new authors pour their souls into their manuscripts. Feedback like “Did you spend all your time inventing the elf language?” and “I think you spent too much time making the elf language” is NOT helpful
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
Others: I run so I can eat pizza
Me: I just…eat pizza
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.