I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
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If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
my proudest tweet
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
My husband texted me from Costco to let me know there was a long line & I think he was looking for me to say “don’t worry about it, just come home” but instead I said “don’t forget the ice.”
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
The devil.
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’