I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
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When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
I hope it’s French Onion!
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
Doctor answering his door: sorry kid I ordered 100 but they sent me a 1000
Trick or treating teen: ewwww a stool sample kit!?!
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
When you let grandma cat sit
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
I’m taking a group of 9yos to the water park today. My wife said “just try not to lose any of em” if you’re wondering about her confidence in my parenting skills.
Anyway if anyone’s seen a boy in sponge bob swim trunks please let me know thanks.
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*