I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
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I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
Needing to stretch is so funny. Your body is like “ughhhh make me longer!”
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.