I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
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Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
Refusing to attend my brother’s gambling intervention until they agree to call it a slot shaming
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
monday
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Rt to bother an English speaker
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.