DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
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I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
Leaving the Barbers like
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”