I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
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Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
Orcas are not our friends
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
I love the look on people’s faces as they stand freezing at the bus stop while I drive past them.
It’s partly why I became a bus driver.
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
Never mess with a sculptor, they have a ready made place to hide your body
You know…for fall…
Them: “Did you know you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?”
Me: “Oh my brain does that when I’m out and I see people I know”
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
it’s only wednesday, and i’m being so brave about it
