I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
You Might Also Like
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
Did the Bermuda Triangle just stop working one day? Why does no one spontaneously combust anymore? What happened to all the quicksand???
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?