I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
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I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
Nothing scarier than your husband taking the kids to Petco “just to look” then texting you “we got a surprise”
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
[When my kids have ignored my text for 2 hours]
Me: I would appreciate a reply, please.
[When I have ignored my kids’ texts for more than 5 seconds]
Kids:
hello??
??
??
???
pls
plss
wya
??
???
BRO
😆this is so true
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave