I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
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[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
I remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. He shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
My wife wants a Ring Doorbell. I claim not to want one because of security concerns but in reality I don’t want her to find out how much food I have delivered when working from home.
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.