I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
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ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
Day 2 of my diet
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
i got lost and locked in a stairwell at the NYC office and all i can think about is this meme while i wait for someone to save me
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
Butt weight. There’s more!
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.