I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.

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[wife walks in on me rubbing coconut oil all over my body]
What are you doing?
“Uhh, SOMEONE said I don’t glisten very well?”


Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.

I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.


I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face


my daughter said her hand hurts when she moves it, her brother said “stop moving it then.”

my work here is done.


FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed

ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary


Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.


I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”


[all the dairy products r hanging out]
Milk: lets go drink
Cheese: yea
Yogurt: yea
Whipped cream: my gf says i cant. its scrapbooking night