I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
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Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.