@WilliamAder

I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.

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@ewfeez

[wife walks in on me rubbing coconut oil all over my body]
What are you doing?
“Uhh, SOMEONE said I don’t glisten very well?”

@gitson_shiggles

Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.

I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.

@bourgeoisalien

I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face

@cmfh111

my daughter said her hand hurts when she moves it, her brother said “stop moving it then.”

my work here is done.

@ShortSleeveSuit

FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed

ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary

@DanteEvilCat

Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.

@causticbob

I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”

@trentistweeting

[all the dairy products r hanging out]
Milk: lets go drink
Cheese: yea
Yogurt: yea
Whipped cream: my gf says i cant. its scrapbooking night