I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
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Before you take surf lessons, you have to sign a waver.
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
I drew y’all a little something.
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago