I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
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plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
You COULD say Twitter is like Group Therapy, however that would imply people are getting better,… and that just doesn’t hold water.
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
My date wouldn’t let me drive him home after The Substance because “we haven’t been seeing each other long enough” for him to throw up in front of me. He literally just walked home in the rain to vomit with dignity. Five star movie.
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
Managing expectations
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
Thanks to autocorrect, I told someone to be the cheese they want to see in the world. But maybe that’s an improvement?
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship