I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
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my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
petition to add fitted sheet folding to the olympics.
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
same bro
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
🏙👨🏼
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
me, after any kind of buffet.
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar