Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real

Either you’re violently frolicking with me or you’re violently frolicking against me.

Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?

Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*

Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.

*returns to the present to find a world without children*

Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*

*gravy

2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.

2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”

They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me

If you need a laugh.. 😅

I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.

nobody sighs louder than an unemployed, debt-free dog who spends at least 16 hours a day sleeping

Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver

Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud

interviewer: what are some of your strengths

me: i’m really good at making people question their reality

interviewer: what does that mean

me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you

Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.

Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.

[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]

COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!

COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*

*child becomes teenager*

Me: is it too late to rethink having children

Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection

I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops

interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?

me: yes that number is zero

[alarm clock buzzing]

BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early

GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh

My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.

When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.

My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that

Check your privilege

I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out

i’m actually the nightmare before christmas, don’t talk to me until i’ve had my milk and cookies 😂🤣

I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.

A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.

ME: I got you a therapy cat

WIFE: THAT’S A LION!

ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach

Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.