I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
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If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
The Flo Rida song Friday bothers me so much
“I wish every day was Friday.”
The magic of Friday is the anticipation of the weekend, and if every day was Friday there would be no weekend.
No one let this man make a wish on a monkey paw.
Did you hear what happened when the local theater stopped paying the heat bill?
Coldplay.
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
Mmmm canned fish.
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
Children of the Corn Man
