Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.

*Starts new job*

Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂

I hate gender stereotypes.

Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.

Turns out they don’t like whisky.

Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt

Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?

Mugger: no

Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(

Boss: why are your eyes red?

Me: I got shampoo in them

Boss: we’ve talked about this

Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes

Boss: mhm

Me: but you can’t deny this volume

Boss: oh I am painfully jealous

May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you

My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”

My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!

you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.

How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?

Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.

Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That

I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.

[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator

Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?

Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge

Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.

*Aquarium

GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus

ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok

Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.

A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.

I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.

Steering date to cheaper “catch of the yesterday” on seafood menu.

This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.

If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.

“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”

people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”

*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola

Some people age like wine, others age like milk.

when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser

her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…

him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?

It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.