I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
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Read an interesting statistic this morning: ‘Over 73% of women are deeply unhappy with their sex life.’ I still have no idea how it got laminated and stuck on the fridge door at home though.
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
Same post same
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
😍😂🥰😂😍
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell