Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head

Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.

My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good

You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.

The same fruit bar has been going back and forth in my kid’s lunch for so long that at this point it’s load-bearing

The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.

Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?

Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.

It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.

Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.

The only thing we need to bring back is duels.

AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)

Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.

Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?

Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.

Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?

Me: Never

Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.

Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.

How can you tell a vampire has the virus?

He’ll be coffin.

“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”

Hate when you hire a shady mercenary in a tavern by throwing them a leather purse of gold coins they never give you the purse back. Im getting fucking murdered on leather purses here

wife: are you cheating on me?

me: no

wife: where were you between 5-8 then?

me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related

me: dinosaurs can’t jump

her: how do u know

me: they’re all dead Linda

we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on

i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.

Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”

ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*

“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”

~ Karma Chameleon

*chases cat around the house with a lint roller

My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.

I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”

Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork

Gemma Correll

Watching Escape to the Country. A couple with a budget of 600,000 looking for a house in the Chilterns.

First house: they want the kitchen at the back so they can open it up and extend it. For Hugo.

They want an extra reception room. For Hugo.

They want more space than a 60ft garden offers. For Hugo.

Hugo is one. Yes, one year old.

My resolve to not swear is being severely tested.

once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”

Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…

it’s the thought that counts