I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
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my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
car not found
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf