Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.

My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.

{job interview}

Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?

Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty

Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*

How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.

customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any

me: that’s how good they are

customer: the cage door is open

me: *looking around nervously* oh no

this picture pisses me off so bad. no bread or cheese but we brought the fucking pinecones. i’d be so pissed if my girlys showed up to the picnic with this shit. id be taking big bites of that pine cone saying MMM YUMMY just to make a point

I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.

My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.

Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime

Tammy is short for Tamuel

This is hilarious

11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.

Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat

It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.

Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”

Stan: “Hey there.”

what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes

I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…

…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.

I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.

WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on

Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?

Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.

I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?

Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*

I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.

[waits until purge night to illegally download music]

*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.

whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes

Them: how does 9am sound?

Me: sounds like you’re dead to me

Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.

8 pm to 10 pm on a weeknight is the shortest that two hours can possibly be

“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”

– Abraham LinkedIn