I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
You Might Also Like
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
I’m so single even my husband won’t match with me on tinder..
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
Watching the Hunger Games with my 9yo and she says, “Why can’t they just move to Canada where it’s peaceful?”
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
It is my birthday. 🥳
If you’re American, please vote
If you’re not American, marry me
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!