Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.

I sat back and watched it all unfold.

Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?

My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.

My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.

Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.

Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!

I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.

*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—

taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in

What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination

BETRAYAL

This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.

If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.

Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.

My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.

Phonetics

Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.

[first date]

HER: I like classic cars

ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels

Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.

Me: *stands on one leg*

My flamenco teacher: No.

To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…

I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck

H: where did you move after your divorce?

Me: On.
I moved on.

(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)

Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.

Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.

Group: *all rushing to place bets*

Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men

Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.

We are not the same.

One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.

Mountain Goat : )

Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can

Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist