Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Twitter is the new flypaper.

I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.

[Headless Horseman birthday party]

HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.

You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.

“A Game of Phones”

6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.

ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high

CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk

ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af

CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!

My Australian friend: We don’t have 4th of July here

Me: so you just go from the 3rd to the 5th? That’s weird

I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.

“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.

My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.

People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician

What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on

Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.

Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.

Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.

Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?

I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.

[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no

Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!

#curvyissexy

Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.

Pro debating tip:

Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.

HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.

It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle

Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?

Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.

Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.

Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly

Me:

I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.

Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]

It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.

The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.

Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer