I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
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Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
What happens when Batman sees Catwoman?
The Dark Knight Rises
Happy Tuesday
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
Sometimes I need a break from myself but it’s like ugh everywhere I go there I am.
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?