I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
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Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
I went to order a book this morning and they said I needed to add two more to qualify for free shipping and obviously that just makes good financial sense anyway 14 books are on the way
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
When I was a manager in Greggs, I told the other staff that I was also a sausage roll quality tester, because HQ said the sausage rolls are their star product and must be perfect. I had one free from every batch that was made. There is no sausage roll quality tester position.
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
Imagine how many people would be archers if we had to hunt tacos like ducks
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot