I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
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1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
gentlemen, hear me out
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
My diet starts in January
of 2027
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
The Lion King is my favourite film outlining why you shouldn’t trust your uncle
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
“Awkward silences are the worst”
*Someone, inventing the kazoo… probably
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
Getting up early would be easier if we could keep our eyes closed.
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
Lmfao
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.