I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
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computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
volunteer in charge: we are gonna walk around and search for clues about the missing girl.
guy who just bought a new fly fishing rod: we should check the lake first
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
date offered me her hot tub and started cutting up carrots into it after i got in
am i cooked
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
(Entering heaven)
Jesus: You made it! One last piece of admin, can you show me your draft tweets?
Me: Ok so I just go down the stairs and keep going until warm right?
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
If not now, then when? If not you, then who?
— the pile laundry on my loveseat begging me to fold it
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
My daughter has been super nice lately and encouraging me to take naps so I can rest and I just discovered that while I’ve been doing that she’s been slowly decimating my secret candy stash