I wish my hair had as much volume as my mouth.
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Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
“Whatcha doin’ right now?”
“Finishing up some emails.“
“Wrong. You’re drivin’ me to Petco.”
“Why? You have plenty of food.”
“I’ll also need you to wait in the car.”
“Wait, what?”
“And, keep it running.”
“What’s going on here, Max?”
“Nothin’. I just gotta see a guy about a thing.”
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
Two sheep walk into a baaaaa.
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
Wasps: bees, but not helping
We’ve come full circle
“comparison is the thief of joy” well sure if you’re a loser
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
The pigeons are plotting to overthrow the government. It will start with a coo.
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.