I wish my hair had as much volume as my mouth.
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Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
Henry: mom did you know that criminals can go to heaven?
Me: yes like if they believe in Jesus and ask him for forgiveness?
Henry: no like if they break in
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]