I wish my hair had as much volume as my mouth.
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had to make it
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
Everyone else wants to talk about sex, and I just want to talk about cholera.
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.