I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
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INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
I’m hunting wabbits…
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
some BODY once told me
Luigi Mangione
trivia
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
hi. the. headline. wants. you. to. be. mad. that’s. how. it. makes. money.
🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.