I wish my kid could throw a ball on the field as well as he throws a ball at something breakable in the house.
You Might Also Like
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
People always tell me I’d be “late to my own funeral” like it’s a bad thing. They’d be lucky if I even showed up to that depressing shit.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Should I call tech support or pray or what
Just got a call from the vet to schedule my dog for her shots. I asked for an estimate and they transferred me over to their lending department.
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
Stonehenge is vulnerable to vandalism because it’s too easily accessible. If our ancestors had possessed any common sense they wouldn’t have built an important monument so close to a major road like the A303.
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
when i was 20 my grandma made me a homemade rhino costume. no costume party no nothin i just wore it to work
“It’s still inside my pencil” is the best answer I’ve ever had from a first grader who was asked, “Where’s your journal writing?”
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
i feel so bad i refunded him
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school