I wish my kid could throw a ball on the field as well as he throws a ball at something breakable in the house.
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“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
legos are too expensive nowadays. They should go back to costing as much as they did when my parents paid for them
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
If you want to mess with a pompous English major, tell him you’re “flustrated.”
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
The ad said “these dresses get compliments” like I’m some kinda compliment w#@r*.
Anyway, I’m gonna have a look at those dresses
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
Don’t talk down to me
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.