I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
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When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
Me, at the ER: I’ve been shot, it hurts please help
Doctor: you’d probably be in less pain if you lost 20lbs
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”