i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
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Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
Me munching on an apple: Why is it every time I go to the theater I get stuck behind the lady with the fruit hat?
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
Apparrotly you can drop the names of birds into the start of sentences and people won’t even notice
Having your own bed while married is crazy—got my body plopped in the middle—-remote on one side—ipad on the other—bag of snickers over yonder
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.