i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
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Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
4 year old: I had a nightmare
me: don’t worry, it wasn’t real
4 y.o.: I dreamed every movie based on established I.P. will now be reviewed by a committee of nerds censoring anything that might be controversial with fans of the franchise
me: *terror rising within me* no way
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
