i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
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Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
blocked.
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
No, you typed your password instead of the amount in the payment window.
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”