I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
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i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
*telling the bus driver to stop at the sperm bank….
“This is where I get off.”
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …