I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
You Might Also Like
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
Stop blaming others for your mistakes.
Study feng shui and blame the furniture
ok this is getting ridiculous. it can’t just be the one guy. it’s gotta be a group of people pooping my son’s diaper
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.