I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
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Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
Sorry I couldn’t come. I was on the way, but then I realised I’d forgotten my earphones, so I had to go back home and put my Chritsmas tree up.
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
When will people magazine have the balls to tell us who the sexiest dead guy is
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
Welcome to parenting — the only hobbies you have left are the ones you can do in the bathroom.