Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week

Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich

Therapist:

Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon

Therapist:

Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think

Therapist:

Me: Why do you look so sad

“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”

– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks

me: i just quit cold turkey

turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change

[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean

Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here

My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover

So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.

The second world war should have been called world war returns

#MeanwhileInCanada

Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.

If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.

What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old

If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.

“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”

It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.

Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane

Airlines: $16 for bag of chips

Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75

Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for

Airlines:

Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies

Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.

Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.

Genie: last wish

Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat

Genie: ooh, good one

To all my friends who lost weight- I found it

Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan

Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.

[1st person to try jogging]

Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?

Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.

Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!

Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.

Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!

Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.

Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?

Being an adult

Pros)You can eat anything you want

Cons)You can’t eat anything you want

VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me

[Meeting]

CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-

BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]

I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!