I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
You Might Also Like
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
There’s never enough good news
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
Me, to my Greek aunt: Want to come over for dinner?
Her: No, thanks.
Me, to the same aunt: We have nothing to eat. Want to help us make dinner?
Her: On my way. I’ll be stopping at four stores to pick up ingredients. Set oven to 450. I’ll bring my own cooking utensils.
Me:🤦🏻♂️
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
why do chefs always have to cut everything so fast. It’s just an onion man why don’t you relax
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
