I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
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At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand