I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
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Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
Engagement photo shoots are so funny as a concept. Like girl, we believed you
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
Phonetics
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
only eating apples so worms can better understand the housing crisis
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.